Lithium.

So I haven't blogged. Well, I have, but draft is holding my last few posts against their will. I'm not big into controversy and I wanted to post something about a show that was on TV that wheedled its way down to my children in passing. Maybe I'll post it later, for now, I'll keep it tucked away because I'd rather people comment nice things, not rude ones! LOL

As I was working out this AM, this song came across my iPod. I was singing along in my beautiful Celinesque voice, hitting every pitch perfectly even on the resistance machine. I have found that if I listen to my iPod and try to sing the songs while working out that way I can work on my breathing techniques. I mean hey, if my plan is to be famous one day, I'm going to have to perform and sing at the same time, so might as well train myself now! ha! I normally would listen to more upbeat songs while exercising and still am not fully sure of how Lithium came to position itself into my work out playlist.

That nonsensical life-long fantasy aside, this was the first time I ever actually "heard" the words from that song. Singing along became habit. Feeling the words that I was singing was something different entirely. A few lines hit me the hardest:

"Don't want to let it lay me down this time.

Drown my will to fly.

Here in the darkness I know myself.

Can't break free until I let it go.

Let me go."

There are a million and 2 things in this life that I can't seem to let go. I can't seem to forget. Forgiveness at the time seems so easy, it's the forgetting that is the hardest thing to do. How do you truly know if your forgiveness is forever? When do you get to that point where even though you haven't forgotten, you are still forgiving? There has not been one person in my past that has not hurt me immensely in one form or another. I'm not talking about hurt my feelings in that high school bully type way. I'm talking physical, emotional, mental abuse. On a continuous basis. I have to stop and wonder is everyone brutal to everyone else and if this is a fact, how is it that I have the uncanny ability to be so trusting and nice and have people perceive this as a weakness? What kind of world is it where you get stomped on for having rose colored glasses sometimes?

Carrie posted a message yesterday. "When you can look beneath their behavior that hurt you, and you can see the frightened child - it becomes nearly impossible to be angry and carry a grudge."

What if you can't see that scared interior? Is it even suffice to assume that everyone has a frightened child inside of them that feeds the behavior that hurts you? IF that is the case, then are we all just one huge circle of hurt and pain? I have tried to understand where people come from when they hurt me, but does that excuse or change the pain? Not really, no.

I'm leaving it at this for now. I will blog more later, if you are interested and even if you're not.