Maybe I'm healing...

Today is/was my Momo's birthday. The last few years have been really really hard for me, the sadness looming in the back of my head, the regrets that I have in regards to her. Each year that has passed seemed to be another reminder of promises broken and time stolen.

(On a side note here, I do want to recognize to Jax & Blaze that I read your blogs about your Grandmothers, and I truly do feel a sadness for your losses. I couldn't leave comments, even though I tried and started them, because I felt that more needed to be said than just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" but felt it bad form to go into deep response because for me, it was really hard to read those blogs of loss because they reminded me of my own and I just couldn't handle it.)

This year, the threat of her birthday didn't bombard me like the last few. Sure, I realized when I entered the month of June that her birthday was this month, but it wasn't an impending doom or a dark cloud that settled over me and hovered until today. As a matter of fact, June 25th was the last day that I even remembered that her birthday was this month. That was only because I read Blaze's blog and it was only a nanosecond of thought. It seemed longer...

If Natalie hadn't gone into one of her "Heaven!" moments when we passed the old cemetary downtown after church this AM, and asked if Momo was buried there too, I wouldn't have even recalled today was her birthday. As soon as she asked me that, I rolled my eyes and thought my goodness why is she still on this subject? I don't want to talk about it! Then I asked myself why do I have such a bad attitude about it? That's when I looked at the date and saw that she'd be 79 years old if she were alive.

I still have the occasional bout of angst, trying to figure out why she had to go the way she did, why she had to suffer so badly, and the man that treated her like the dirt on the ground is still alive. I still see snow globes and think of her. I still miss her.