My World Breastfeeding Week Post

Ok, so I've been nosey and have been looking at some of Jackie's friends websites. Yay for me, I find interesting people to read about during the off-time in my child-induced state. Sorry for you if that freaks you out and makes you want to CAUTION TAPE your blog. LOL And everyone seems to be into this World Breastfeeding Week post.

So here is mine.

I have an issue with breastfeeding that dates back to my first-born. I loved breastfeeding. It was one of the single most wonderful experiences I have ever had...when I was able to do it. You have all probably read about the joys of breastfeeding and all of the love and devotion you feel when you do it. Some mother's don't have that. I had the love and devotion. I just didn't have the ability to keep it up. It has taken me a LONG. TIME. to overcome that, if I have fully overcome it!

When I pictured my first child, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. It was more to me than just nourishing my child. It was my right, my priviledge, my choice, all at the same time. The first 6 weeks of breastfeeding were wonderful. I didn't experience a lot of the painful sides of it. I enjoyed being able to be awake at 2 am reading a book - or doing nothing but watching TV or listening to music - with my child attached.

But then stressful times came. I was married to a real jack ass that really couldn't even be considered a man. My daughter was failing and referring every hearing screening she was getting. I didn't - in a sense - have a family other than what was under my roof. I had 2 very good motherly-like friends who helps TONS and I can't ever forget them for the proverbial roof they helped put over my head.

When I was pregnant, I remember reading and singing to Olivia. I talked to her SO. FREAKING. MUCH. At birth, she referred a hearing screening & failed the second. At 1 week she referred, then failed again at 2 weeks. At 3 weeks I begged for another opinion. At 4 weeks she didn't start at the pans that fell out of the cabinet. At 5 weeks she didn't wake up when I cooed or called her name. At 6 weeks she responded to nothing but facial expression. At 7 weeks they told me to call Sooner Start. I begged for another test. Again they tested. Again she failed.

At 8 weeks of age, when they sat me down and told me that she was deaf, my first feelings were SO. SELFISH. I felt ROBBED. CHEATED. STUPID. All that time I spent including her, and she never even HEARD me? I never heard anything they said except "Olivia has what we refer to as Semi-Neural Hearing Loss. She is Severet to Profoundly deaf. Just remember, she is the same child you came in here with 3 hours ago..." Nothing after that was registered. Even those phrases were in some kind of protective bubble and sounded like they were being softly whispered into a tunnel and I was hearing the tear-streaming echoes of the unknown.

After that, I started to dry up. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't fix her hearing. I couldn't nourish her. I responded with "let's go with formula" from friends & doctors with anxiety and anger. The more angry I got, the less I was able to provide. I tried so.hard. to level out my anxiety and anger. To understand and press on instead of fester and pity. By 10 weeks of age, Olivia started to get hives and projectile vomit everything she was eating. Losing weight came next. We went to the doctor. He diagnosed her with lactose intolerance and once again tried to get me to get her on formula. I refused. She was nursing more and more and never getting full. I changed my diet to accomodate the intolerance to milk. By 12 weeks, more weight was lost due to more loss of milk and I had no choice but to go with a Soy Based Formula.

After we did that, her entire demeanor and eating/sleeping habits changed. I, however, felt like the biggest nimrod, the hugest failure, and the most incomplete mother that I could have ever been. I had let her, and myself down.

My 2nd experience with breastfeeding was much the same, only sooner. (Let me preface here
that I was going through a divorce, finally had gotten my own place, Olivia had had her first Surgery for her Cochlear Implant, Social Security was giving me the runaround, I was on welfare, had no job, no income, and travelling to OKC twice a week for Olivia's therapy & mappings.) I had some slight anxiety when Natalie was born because they waited to do the hearing screening until I threatened them with their lives. LOL

I had the most WONDERFUL experience with Natalie. I thought wow, I'm really going to be able to do this this time! Then at just 2 weeks old, Natalie started spitting everything up. EVERYTHING. I changed my diet once again. We were at the Dr almost once a week. At 4 weeks old we had seen 8 Drs and the last time we went to the Dr, she was pale with a green tint to her skin, screaming, and under her birth weight. No one could figure out what was wrong with her.

At this last visit, they gave me a choice: I could take her to TRMC or they could take her and I follow later. I KNEW WHAT THAT MEANT. I had worked with children and for the State long enough to know the choice they were giving me and now, I feel sorry for anyone that is asked that question and innocently says "You take her, because you can make her better." They have NO IDEA what they are agreeing too. And the system is WHACK for being able to toy with people that way. There was no way in HELL I was going to relinquish my daughter to them. I'd have never seen her again.

Natalie was in the hospital for a total of 2 weeks. The nurses felt sorry for me. They were certain that Natalie had RSV. Her symptoms were exact for it. The tests were inconclusive. No.One. knew what was wrong with her. I continued to breastfeed even though she continued to vomit. Then one morning, 3 days into our stay, I was awakened to the sound of shutters going off and there was Child Justice, taking photos of my naked baby. Without my consent. At 7 am. There was a man sitting in a chair who asked me how I was. Spoke with me. Said Natalie was "Failure to Thrive" and that I was being investigated for Child Neglect and he'd need to see my house to make sure I had enough of the essentials. The Dr, whom will remain nameless because I have made it my lot in life to make her pay for the crap she put me through, had a talk with me that I needed to go with formula. To stop breast feeding immediately. I wasn't making enough to nurture Natalie and I was harming her. So I did. Failure!

Only, that didn't help her. They tried soy, rice milk, etc. Nothing worked. I wasn't dried up then so I continued to try to nurse her. Yes, through all of this. And Olivia's stuff on top of it! The Drs did test after test. Nothing worked. I took Child Justice to my home. They determined I had everything I needed. I was clean, tidy, was able to afford on the tiny income I had finally mustered. I had a good support system in my friends, but not in family. They wrote up a worksheet of services I needed to use -- might I add, because of Olivia being deaf all of these services I'd been using for nearly 2 years -- and they said they didn't know why they were even here, in my home, looking at me for neglect when there were so many people out there that actually were neglecting. I agreed with him.

It took them 2 months to issue statement of clearance. During this faze of this incident, I did end up starting to dry up. But Natalie was still vommiting. After the incident, I vowed to never EVER use TRMC again, nor that *#$@ Dr. I found another Dr, this time at the OU Clinic (Sorry, OSU SUCKS) and her FIRST check up appointment Dr. Gourd, bless his heart I will love him for all eternity, comes in and looks at me, apologizes for everything that I'd been through (Even though he wasn't even from the same hospital/clinic that caused the mess!) and that he had some news for me.

Natalie had a BAD case of Acid Reflux. That was it! Acid Reflux! Acid REFLUX!?! I went through hell for ACID REFLUX? Needless to say, after they started her on meds to repair her throat, Natalie took much better to eating and never really vommitted again after that. However, the toll of everything eventually by 4 months of age dried me up to FAILURE once again.

So when I see women breastfeed, it's a bittersweet thought process that enters my mind. I am uncomfortable, but that because of my own demons. I am sometimes disgusted, but I think it's because of my own disgust for that part of me that wasn't able to perform as well as I'd intended.
It could even be jealousy? I do not know.

That was kind of long, but that's my post. And there's a part of me that is more than happy to Celebrate & Ignore Breastfeeding Week. I'm happy for all of you that could/can do it. But I am sad and would rather forget that I couldn't keep it up the way I wanted to.